Neurodiversity, Neurodivergence, and the Box
With the new school year upon us, it’s essential for parents, teachers, administrators, and anyone involved in a child’s life to remember that our brains are uniquely designed—this is known as neurodiversity. Some brains are neurodivergent, which you may recognize as Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia, and so on, while others may be neurotypical. All brains are brilliant, yet the neurodivergent brain doesn’t fit neatly into a box (or a traditional classroom), but this doesn’t imply that they are broken or inferior. In fact, our neurodivergent children are incredibly capable and remarkable in their own strengths and talents, just as neurotypical children may excel in conventional classroom settings.
As parents, teachers, and caregivers, our role is to help children identify their individual strengths, talents, and abilities, and find environments where they can thrive. However, for neurodivergent children, this process can look and feel very different. Relying on traditional behavior modification techniques, such as punishment and reward, compliance, and criticism, tends to be ineffective for neurodivergent children. When a child struggles to fit into the box (or classroom), the typical reaction often leads to the emergence of a “behavior problem.” But what if we considered it an environmental issue or a neurodevelopmental difference instead? We must shift our perspective away from defining children by their "behaviors" and begin to understand that these "behaviors" are often a result of a uniquely designed neurodivergent brain working hard to navigate an environment (such as a classroom) tailored for neurotypical brains.
Using corrective action and criticism to suppress undesirable "behaviors" does not yield the same results for all children. For instance, trying to get a child with ADHD to "sit still" is akin to forcing a square peg into a round hole; you will have to hammer that peg, and even after expending a significant amount of energy, you’d be left with nothing but fragments. It can feel counter-intuitive for us as adults to respond with validation and empathy, which are crucial for creating a supportive environment. Instead, we often say things like, “Stop crying, you’re fine,” “How did you forget your backpack again?” “Stop leaning back in the chair,” or “Can’t you just sit still?”
“In school alone, a child with ADHD could receive 20,000 corrective or negative comments by the time he or she is age 10.” (Michael S. Jellinek, 2010)
When a neurodivergent child doesn’t fit into the environment and struggles to meet neurotypical expectations (like sitting still, following directions, or controlling impulses), a chain reaction begins. The unfortunate outcomes of persistent criticism include:
Failed relationships and diminished connection between the child and their most trusted caregivers.
Poor self-esteem, increased mental health issues, and unstable relationships.
Educational, economic, and social-emotional inequities.
In short, society suffers greatly when neurodivergent individuals cannot reach their full potential.
The journey forward is not simple, as we are creatures of habit. The old saying, “knowing is half the battle,” is misleading; in reality, knowing is just a small part of the struggle. I may know that I should eat whole foods and exercise regularly, but knowing and doing are two different things. Although the road forward is challenging, the rewards are invaluable. What awaits you is far more precious than any material gift—the love and connection of a misunderstood child. Building a bond with a neurodivergent child can result in a TRANSFORMATIONAL CHAIN REACTION, and you get to choose the path forward...
Traditional Path
Misunderstood Child ➡️ standard behavioral model of teaching/parenting/classroom expectations ➡️ melt-downs, behaviors, poor achievement, lazy ➡️ Caregiver burn-out, stress, diminished satisfaction
Developmental Path
Understanding Children from a Developmental Lens ➡️ meaningful sensory, motor, communication and cognitive supports ➡️ growth and achievement in all areas of development ➡️ Caregivers recapture joy & passion through relationships
As adults, we must consciously sidestep the habitual reliance on behavior modification, compliance, and criticism to "teach" neurodivergent children. We have been conditioned to believe that showing empathy and validation will somehow worsen undesirable responses. A clear example can be found in sports—take football, for instance. When a highly sensitive child gets tackled hard during a game and the coach says, “You’re fine, walk it off,” the child may continue to lie there, crying and showing signs of pain. If the coach instead validates the child by asking, “Where does it hurt?” “On a scale of 1-10, how bad is it?” “Do you think you can walk?”—voilà, the child can get back on the field, or sit it out if they are indeed hurt. When a child feels seen and heard, they thrive. Remember, while it may feel counter-intuitive, here are some HELPFUL TIPS:
Respond with CONNECTION: Get down on the child’s level, gentle tone of voice, offer your hand to hold.
Respond with VALIDATION: “Oh buddy, it seems like you’re having a tough time. I really dislike it when my body feels that way.”
Respond with SUPPORT: “It looks like your body might need ______ (e.g., movement, heavy work, a cold compress, or a big hug).”
